Good morning peons!
One of my many new years resolutions this year is to start a blog. Done.
Now I have to contribute to it though. How long that keeps up, I guess we'll see. If Jamie Johnston can keep her blog going despite a helicopter trip to the hospital in London, then I guess I don't have much excuse.
This will be a place for me to write shit that's on my mind, complain about life and teenagers and creaky bones and other things that old people bitch about, spew political commentary that will probably get me kicked out of office some day, and maybe make someone laugh in the process. Sometimes this will be funny, sometimes it won't. I'm not your fucking jester; if you want a guaranteed laugh, go show 2 girls 1 cup to a group of nuns or something.
That point about getting kicked out of office is important, so I'm going to start this blog with a disclaimer. This disclaimer applies to everything I ever write in the future, ever.
DISCLAIMER: "If you can't take a joke, fuck you." This quote from Tucker Max describes my feelings entirely toward my writings. If I have said something offensive, I can assure you that it was not meant to be offensive, unless otherwise stated of course. I promise you that this blog will include "off-colour" humour (what does that even mean, really, off-colour?) in respect to many different kinds of people, places, ideas, and kitchen appliances. These groups include but are not limited to Mexicans, women, men, tall people, midgets, the French, people with aids, people without aids, fat people, thin people, toasters, Asia, blacks, whites, greens, and Conservatives. So, if you're a reporter from the future trying to dig up dirt on me to usurp my campaign for world domination... you just signed your own death warrant! Er, I mean, you just failed.
Moving on. This is one of several new years resolutions I have. Another resolution is to lose a little weight, just like a billion other people. Here's a list of what I have done to achieve that goal so far:
- Make a massive, delicious pasta with more meat than it was supposed to have and then eat two giant portions of it for dinner.
- Crack open my skull on the exercise bike while unfolding it. Like actual bleeding from the head resulting from blunt force impact on the exercise bike. I wasn't even on it!! wtf!
Well, today's another day... Going to eat some oranges and wear a helmet.
That'll be it except for a quick note to all of you who think new years resolutions are stupid: your FACE is stupid! Seriously, what's so wrong with committing to trying to do something positive with your life? You're probably just bitter because you never keep your resolutions. Or not. Anyway, I'm assuming your problem with the idea is rooted in the fact that the calendar year is a completely arbitrary social construct. You'd be correct... But why does that matter? You probably think Valentine's day is stupid too. Look, the world is a busy place, and there's a lot of pressure to do things you know you shouldn't. Sometimes it's just easier to do it that way. If it takes a completely arbitrary social construct to kick you into improving your life... is that such a bad thing? If you succeed, does that somehow devalue your success? No. So give us resolutioners a break, and don't be afraid to make one of your own. And if you fuck it up, hey, there's always next year, right?
